After Lil G was born, I still wanted 3 children, and I wanted my second bio child ASAP. Mr Headless wasn't ready, so we waited. Considering the issues I ended up having with PPD (and later, PTSD), waiting was a very wise decision.
When Lil G was 15 months old, I dreamt that I was pregnant. The baby in the dream was a boy. I shared this dream with Mr Headless, and to my surprise, he said, "that sounds nice." I asked if he wanted to go for #2, and he said, "yes."
From the days of trying to conceive Lil G, I discovered that I don't ovulate regularly, so I was delighted to have a positive ovulation test in the first month of trying for #2. Within 3 weeks, I felt pregnant. I had several of the early symptoms I had when I was newly pregnant with Lil G. The thought of soon having a second child, when my first was still so needy and nonverbal, was actually really scary. I tried to stay calm as I waited for official confirmation.
I tested on cycle day 24, and saw the faintest positive, and then within an hour, I started spotting. I'm a little ashamed to admit, I felt relieved in that moment. I was newly off my depression meds (and was not yet ready to be), and I was freaking out at the thought of having another child. After that brief moment of relief, though, I began to feel very sad, and pregnancy announcements from friends and family definitely did not help during this time.
I later discovered that I have a progesterone deficiency. I don't think I always had one, but maybe I did, and it's just worse now (I did have to take medication to induce ovulation in order to conceive Lil G). So, I took a variety of medications that were supposed to fix the issue, and they never did.
During this time, Mr Headless decided he didn't think he would ever want another child after all, and if he did, it would be many years away. I went on birth control pills as the last ditch effort to fix the hormonal issues. A year later, I still have a progesterone deficiency, even on birth control pills.
The progesterone deficiency means that I both don't ovulate consistently, and that when I do, my cycle is too short to maintain a pregnancy. The hormones just aren't right.
Even if we wanted another child, right now, it would not be possible. Maybe it will fix itself with time, and maybe it won't. I just don't know.
I don't ever say that we're not having another child due to infertility. First of all, I don't want pity, and infertility either illicits pity or disbelief. I also don't appreciate the idea that I am making up a fertility issue as a cop out. My own mother is resistant to the idea of secondary infertility, and definitely doesn't believe that she could have produced a child who isn't super fertile. Secondly, part of me feels like if Mr Headless and I both really wanted a second child, we would find a way to have one. Either I would try even more medication to have another biological child, or we would apply to adopt a child from China in a few years time (I always wanted to adopt from China). However, we don't want another child right now, and likely never will.
This is why I say simply that "our family is complete."
I say this line so much, that I rarely think about my infertility, and I rarely think about the child I lost (who would be 7 months old right now). I believe that what happened was meant to be. I believe our family is exactly the way it should be right now. So why does thinking about it still make me feel so sad?
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